Monthly Archives: February 2011

Top Ten Reasons to Read Sexy Grant Writers if You’re a Vegetarian

1)      It keeps your celery crisp

2)      It juices your lemonSexy Grant Writers are vegetarians - large gourde

3)      It stuffs your gourd

4)      It peels your potatoes

5)      It splits your peas

6)      It pokes your papaya

7)      It peels your banana

8)      It tickles the fuzz on your peaches

9)      It makes your Brussels sprout

10)   It massages your mango

You get the message.  Now get the nutrition, subscribe to Sexy Grant Writers.

Related Posts:

Ten Reasons Sexy Grant Writers Love Dessert

Nine Ways to Pamper Your Sexy Grant Writer

Photo Credit: Andrew Beierle (yeah, blame him)

Top Seven Reasons that Sexy Grant Writers Love Dessert

Let’s face it, a good meal can be turned into a great one with the right dessert.  Admit it, you deserve something extra special now and then. Desserts can pamper your inner sexiness and here are ten good reasons why.Sexy Grant Writers love dessert - pretty woman at dinner with wine

1)      Tiramisu is like an approval letter in your mouth.

2)      Crème brulee is like a tough-shelled client who’s really sweet underneath.

3)      A banana split is one of our new years resolutions – it’s there, eat more fruit!

4)      Chocolate decadence cake keeps us awake for those late nights.

5)      Strawberry shortcake is perfect for editing drafts.

6)      Apple pie a la mode is like an excellent collaborative.

7)      Whipped cream is good on a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g.

Sharing a gourmet dessert with that special Grant Writer to complete the perfect meal is sexy.

Other posts you may enjoy:

Top Ten Reasons Grant Writers are Sexy

Top Ten Reasons Size Matters to a Grant Writer

Photo Credit: Juanita De Paola

Nick Sorrento: Chapter 6

Nick sat in the back of the taxi silently, steeped in thought.  None of this made sense.  Nikita wasn’t an agent and never had been, he’d been out of the game for years now.  So why Nikita, why were they after him now after all this time.  The driver headed down Massachusetts Avenue toward Foggy Bottom where they’d catch the Roosevelt Bridge into Virginia then head south past Arlington Cemetery to the Pentagon.The Grant Writer with the Winnie the Pooh Tattoo

Nick began thinking like an agent.  Whoever the man in the Fedora was knew where he lived, he knew he’d be heading for the Metro.  Nick froze, pulled out his phone and stripped off the back and removed the battery.  Nothing, but a pro wouldn’t put a bug where it would be obvious.  Nick took small screwdriver out of his computer bag and opened the back of the Nokia phone. “OK, there you are.” Nick whispered. A tiny chip wired right into the phone’s harness so it would run off the phone battery.  “Slick” muttered Nick, “Never go dead.” Nick left the bug in place and replaced the back.  He’d use the phone once more then discard it.  By now they’ve tapped into the account, names, phone numbers, emails, they had every piece of information it held. Nick dialed Boris’ office.  The secretary answered, “Agent Bovalcheck’s Office” “Hey Mary, it’s Nick” “Hi Nick what’s shakin’ bacon?” “You don’t want to know Mary, is Boris there?” “Yeah Nick, hold on please” Mary always had a crush on Nick even though she was old enough to be his mother and had been married to the same man for 45 years. “Nick, where the hell are you? I thought you’d be here by now.  I was starting to worry.” “Yeah I got held up. Hey let’s meet a Tonic  for lunch, I’m starving.” “No problem, you’re buying.” “Sure Boris, whatever you say.”

Nick hung up the phone and tucked it down into the crease between the top and bottom cushions of the seat, down into the candy wrappers and lint where nobody would find it for a long time. If they were using it to track him, they’d be chasing the taxi. Boris knew that Tonic was a diversion, it was a real restaurant in the West End near GW Law, but Nick and Boris weren’t going there, if someone was listening – and they were – they’d be waiting there as Nick passed. 

Nick knew they’d drive past Tonic on the way to the Roosevelt Bridge so he ducked low as they zipped along through traffic.  Sure enough another Town Car was waiting across the street, two dark figures visible behind the tinted glass. “Man they’re all over me.” Nick muttered.  Soon they were across the bridge and heading south.  Nick flashed his ID at one guard at the check point who went inside to make a phone call, another guard did a search under the hood, in the trunk, then underneath the cab with mirrors on long poles, a third guard led a bomb-sniffing dog around the vehicle. “Man…” thought Nick, “…things have sure changed since I got out.”  Nick left the service just prior to 9-11.

The taxi dropped him off and circled away and toward the exit.  Nick entered a second security checkpoint surrendered his weapon, and passed through a metal detector, and a guard with a wand. “Raise your arms please palms open and upward, turn your belt buckle inside out, remove your shoes.” “Hey Nick” It was Mary sent down to escort him in. “Hi Mary, how ya been?” “Could be worse, could be better.” “How’s Ben?” “Ben’s Ben, same old stuff, Redskins, Orioles, Blackhawks, and Budweiser.”  “Come on Boris is anxious to see you.” “Not as anxious as I am” They walked in silence to the elevator.  Mary knew better than to ask what was going on.  She wasn’t cleared for that level of security.  But Mary knew from years of experience that whatever was going on, it wasn’t good since Nick had been out of the game for over ten years.

Sexy Grant Writers Enhances Feng Shui

Grant writers know that proper environment for writing creates the right attitude.  That’s why our Sexy Grant Writers blog is so powerful at enhancing your Feng Shui (ness).  Read regularly and you can’t help but start re-aligning your office furniture, buying bamboo plants, and little sand boxes with rakes.   Here are the Ten Top reasons why you should make Sexy Grant Writers a regular part of harmonizing your grant writing atmosphere.Sexy Grant Writers enhances your Feng Shui - Picture of bamboo

10) It moves your Qi in a positive direction.

9) Your astrolabe points here.

8) It’s one of your wandering stars.

7) It keeps your Yin and Yang in balance.

6) It enhances your elements (especially FIRE).

5) I divines your Bagua.

4) It keeps you from going Red Phoenix.

3) It’s one of your Four Pillars of Destiny.

2) It keeps your bamboo limber.

1) It congeals your Qi.

Is virtue a thing remote? I wish to be virtuous, and lo! Virtue is at hand.  Confucius, The Confucian Analects

Nine Ways to Pamper Your Sexy Grant Writer

Pamper your sexy grant writer with a nice warm bath.You may think grant writers have it soft sitting in a nice chair all day writing.  It’s true we can have our coffee there and maybe a nice cookie while we work.  But just try writing for ten hours with only a few bathroom breaks.  Your shoulders cramp, your forearms cramp, your calves cramp, your eyes get tired, it’s a grind. While it’s true that we’re even sexier when tired, we do enjoy some refreshing pampering.

Here are nine ideas about how to pamper your sexy grant writer:

1)      Bring a vase of cut flowers to sit beside the computer to bring color and fragrance to the grant writing process.

2)      Buy some warming oil and give your sexy grant writer a shoulder massage. (close the office blinds first, that adds to the atmosphere and keeps you both out of jail.)

3)      Make a run to the local coffee shop for some spectacular coffee drinks then invite your sexy grant writer to sit on the porch.

4)      Buy a pedicure certificate and offer to read a grant draft while your sexy grant writer takes a break for an hour to go to the salon.

5)      Cook a pot of special soup or stew, buy some excellent bread and butter so your grant writer can take breaks and eat well without having to cook.

6)      Run a hot bath, dim the lighting, put on some Barry White, add some bath oils, light a candle, then get in and text your grant writer to join you (if you need more directions, don’t waste the hot water).

7)      Bring a tub of hot water into the office, remove your sexy grant writer’s shoes and socks and soak their weary feet while giving them a foot massage.

8)      Pack a suitcase for two and after your sexy grant writer submits their application, drive directly to a nice hotel on the coast for a couple of days.

9)      If you and your sexy grant writer have kids, do #1; #3; #5 and then take the kids out for the day. Do #2; and #7 when you get back, get a sitter before executing #8, and skip #6 unless you want more kids.

Sexy grant writers love to be pampered; it makes us all feel all squishy and wah-wah-licious inside.  We deserve a little pampering too because grant writing is hard work, even if we aren’t getting blisters.  Spend a little time pampering your grant writer and they may just pamper you back. 

Now that’s sexy!

Related Post:

Grant Writers are Sexy Beasts

Photo Credit: Roger Kirby

Nick Sorrento – The Grant Writer with the Winnie the Pooh Tattoo: Chapter 5

Nick kept running up the escalator until he reached the last person between him and the sunny exit above, a pretty young woman. Nick stopped beside her and smiled, she returned his smile batting her chestnut eyes playfully. They engaged in light conversation. Nick’s plan was to walk out of the Metro arm in arm looking for all the world like a couple. These men wouldn’t be looking for a couple. He stripped off his coat turning it inside out to black and draping it over his arm. He then drew his hair back in one motion and fastened it into a ponytail. As Nick and the woman reached the top of the escalator, Nick offered his arm to the woman with a casual comment about always tripping off these things as a kid. She giggled at the familiarity and took Nick’s arm.

Nick Sorrento Sexy grant Writer Chapter 5The plan working so far. She agreed he’d accompany to the building where her appointment would begin in ten minutes. As the couple emerged from the tunnel into the frosty morning air, he and the girl stepped quickly right up the sidewalk. Nick snuck a quick look left between the north and south Metro entrances where he expected the other man to be. Sure enough there he was standing beside a long, black town car trying to keep watch on both exits. His phone rang and he picked up. Nick turned and escorted his new friend up the street, keeping an ear behind for running steps following, they never came as the couple turned the corner ne looked back once and the two men were now huddled together at the exit he and the girl had just left.

A block later Nick left the girl at her building and he hailed a cab and jumped in happy to on his way to see Boris. “Pentagon” and the cab lurched forward. Nick had time to think now and he ran through the morning’s events. None of it made any sense. His phone rang, “Damn, Tony” Nick muttered to himself, he pushed the screen to pick up the call.”Nick here” “Nick, I’m waiting for you here, I thought you were coming in at 9” Nick knew he didn’t have any meetings this morning with Tony but it always took him off guard when Tony did this stuff. “Uh…I don’t remember a meeting…” “HA-HA-HA, got you again Sorrento, you’re an easy mark.” “Oh, yeah, that’s it Tony, you’re too quick for me, especially before I’ve had my coffee.” “Yeah-yeah it’s the coffee. So when am I going to getting the next grant draft?” “Well, something came up this morning. I’ll have it to you by 6 tonight.” “Hey, you were supposed to have it here by noon. I’m no night owl remember?” “Yeah I know, sorry Tony, can’t be helped.” “OK,OK, you all right Sorrento?” “Yeah Tony, I’ll explain later.” “All right Nick but no later than 6, I’ve got blank tapes waiting for you.” “Yeah, I bet you do” It occurred to Nick that only a couple of hours ago his biggest problem was Tony’s tapes. “All right Tony, catch you later.” The phone clicked off. Tony could see the Washington Bridge ahead, next stop Virginia and the Pentagon. Nick hoped Boris would have some answers.

Grant Writers are Humble About Our Celebrity

Grant Writers are people too, even if we’re exceptionally sexy ones.  We enjoy the simple things in life like everyone else.  Sexy Grant Writers silhouette in redWe like the early-bird breakfast for $2.95 and we’re annoyed when we see the bill and realize that coffee wasn’t included. We enjoy a sunny day as much as the next person even though we have little time to get out and enjoy the sunshine.  The point is that we’re regular people – exceptionally attractive, true enough.  We’re just normal folks, so there’s no need to treat us differently.  

Here are some examples of how you can suppress your natural desire to faun all over any grant writer you encounter:

  1. Flight attendants may smash our elbows with the beverage cart like you do to everyone else.
  2. Coffee house waitresses may splash coffee all over our reading materials.
  3. Maitre de House of Pancakes may seat us at the booth next to the hairy-shouldered, bare chested dude in overalls and his screaming, drippy-nosed kids.
  4. Grocery shoppers don’t need to take one side for us, just park that cart smack –kattywompus- dab in the middle and block the aisle.
  5. Car rental agents don’t need to fill the gas tank with gas for us before we pick up the car.  Truly, we’re perfectly OK with driving around strange cities looking for gas stations in the dark, our natural glow will light our way.
  6. Hotel desk attendants should not feel the need to hold a room with a view or near the elevators for us, we’re OK schlepping our bags half a mile across the parking lots at night to the room with a new zip code.  You know the one, it’s right under the room occupied by the visiting high school wrestling team next to one where a 21st birthday celebration is being held by a budding rapper.
  7. Post office workers don’t have to walk any faster for us, smile, act like they’re happy to see us, or offer us coffee and donuts on china with doilies.  Honestly, we can handle being treated like Siberian coal miners the same as everyone else in the Republic.

Grant Writers know we’re celebrities but we ask that our groupies and paparazzi play it cool and not clog the streets when we’re out (and will our stalkers please bring back our lawn gnomes?).

We don’t like to rub our grant writer status in anyone’s face.  We don’t need special treatment.  We like to blend in, fly under the radar, but we do look spectacular in flight.  So everyone please relax in our presence, as you were.

Related Posts:
The Joy of Grant Writing
Top Ten Reasons that Grant Writers are Sexy

Photo Credit: barunpatro

Nick Sorrento – Sexy Grant Writer: Chapter 4

Nick reached the bottom of the 3 story escalator and stepped smoothly off, bought a ticket, and passed through the hissing gate, strode quickly across the concourse and quickly down the stairs to the platform.  Red Line – Wheaton Train 3:00 Minutes – flashed the digital sign hanging over the leading area. He’d have to switch trains at Metro Center, catch the Blue Line to Franconia-Springfield.

Nick scanned the platform for danger – his old habits returning without effort, like muscle memory in a boxing match.  To his left and behind sat an old woman, green sweater, leaning heavily on a rolling  wire shopping basket. To his right a young couple flirting, college kids he calculated, both with ipod wires in their ears.

A middle-aged couple were descending the escalator trying to fold a tourist map and arguing about how to properly get it back into its original format.

No obvious threats, maybe the Russians had grabbed the wrong person and Nikita would be released by the time he got to Boris’ office.  Nick turned to look at the sign again, “Pentagon City Train – 2 minutes.”  Nick turned to scan the terminal again when he saw the black fedora starting to appear above the edge of the balcony of the concourse.  He instinctively backed up behind a thick column just behind him, circled behind it and peered out.  Trouble, the man was scanning the platform searching each person on it, looking for someone.Sexy Grant Writer Nick Sorrento hiding behind a column

Nick knew who the man was looking for, simple addition. 

Nikita wasn’t an accident, but she was just leverage, they wanted him. The man was satisfied that his target hadn’t arrived yet and he turned his back to the platform leaning against the railed of the balcony.  Nick slipped sideways to the next column and worked his way toward the far end of the platform nearest the back escalator that would take him up again and out of the Metro.  There was no way to get on a train with this guy watching, he’d have to grab a taxi.

A sudden whoosh of air and an electronic horn signaled the incoming train.  It slid to a smooth stop and the doors hissed open.  Nick was lucky, it was a crowded train, and a large crowd moved his way and he slid seamlessly into it as it passed his hiding place and Nick stepped onto the escalator.  Just before he rose up out of the platform, Nick stole a last look at the fedora and his eyes locked with the man.  He looked familiar and Nick thought he saw a quick flash of recognition in the man’s face. Suddenly the man was gone from view.  Nick turned and jogged up the left side of the escalator sure there would be another man above ground watching the entrances. Nick needed a plan, and he needed to think it up fast.

Previous Chapters:
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3 

The Grant Writer with the Winnie the Pooh Tattoo: Chapter 3

“Boris Bovalcheck please, Nick Sorrento here.” “Please hold” A pause while Nick glanced out the window at the street below. “Nick how are you? Nice surprise to hear from you old man.” came the gruff accented voice of fifty six year old, CIA veteran, Boris Bovalcheck. Boris had the gravel of forty-five years of smoking in his voice. Nick worked with Boris in the agency for 15 years, all of that in the Moscow bureau before Nick called it quits.

Nick Sorrento Grant WriterNick met Nikita through friends when he took the job writing grants for Tony at a quiet consulting firm outside DC. “Trouble Boris, I think Nikita’s been grabbed by the Russian mob in Moscow.” “What!? How did you find out?” Nick told Boris the story, “I was talking to her, she was in her room at the Pleshka. Someone came to the door, I heard a guy barking orders to open the door, sounded like they busted in through the chain. Nikita screamed, sounded like they grabbed her and left.” “Didn’t anyone at the hotel call the cops?” “I called the hotel immediately, but they’re on the take, the guy told me I had the wrong hotel, said she was never there.” “Holy crap Nick, let me make some calls. What was she doing in Moscow anyway? I thought you two were both retired, living quiet, boring lives at the end of the Red Line near Shady Cove.” “We were until about two minutes ago. She went to Russia for a trade show, she’s a rep for SafeCon.” “SafeCon’s on my watch list Nick.” “What?” “Yeah, ownership is into some shady schemes. Let me go and check with my contacts. You get down here and I’ll fill you in. Hopefully I’ll learn something by then…and Nick.” “Yeah?” “Don’t call anyone else.” “Whatever you say Boris. I’ll be in your office as fast as I can.” “Good, I’ll leave a pass for you at the security desk.”

In one continuous movement, as though he’d practiced it over and over, Nick opened the wall safe, removed his passport, cash, and Glock, threw on some clothes, turned on a concealed security camera system, grabbed his computer, set the alarm, and closed the door behind him. Out on the street it was a bright frosty November morning, manhole covers steamed, and traffic was brisk. Nick would call Tony from the train and let him know the grant draft wouldn’t be completed until late. He needed to buy time or there’d be hell to pay. Nick zig-zagged between stopped traffic to cross the street thinking about Nikita, then he slipped down the steep escalator into the underground Metro.

Chapter 4 tomorrow!

Previous Chapters:
Chapter 2
Chapter 1

Top Ten Reasons that Size Matters to a Sexy Grant Writer

Size matters to sexy grant writers - image of a tape measureDoes size matter?  It’s an age-old debate among grant writers.  Some will argue that smaller are harder because of the level of detail that’s necessary to compress; yet others will argue that larger is harder because there is a tendency to lose one’s way on long narratives.

While bigger may seem better, this is only true in the hands of a skillful grant writer. Bigger grants in the hands of the inexperienced can miss the mark entirely.

Veteran Sexy Grant Writers can attest to the fact that size matters in many aspects of grant writing and here are ten reasons why:

10) Bigger will stretch your margins (spacing).
9) Most require a substantial size 12 [font].
8) Length is rigid (narrative).
7) Most have ample appendices behind.
6) Large visual images (fantasy) can crowd out narrative (reality).
5) Too much won’t fit (pages).
4) Staples may be too short (binding).
3) Big foot(notes) infer deeper substance (not always an accurate assumption).
2) Long ones are hard to duplicate (photocopy).
1) The biggest ones can be awfully difficult to firm up (edit).

In the end, it is masterful manipulation that matters regardless of size. Concentration and attention to the satisfaction of the receiver of the grant brings the ultimate reward. Bad applications of any size are disappointing and anti-climactic.

Sexy Grant Writers know that size matters, but bigger is not always better.

Related Posts:

Top Ten Reasons Grant Writers are Sexy
Grant Writers are Sexy Beasts: Why Can’t Everyone See It?

Photo Credit: Michal Ufniak

The Grant Writer with the Winnie the Pooh Tattoo: Chapter 2

The sound of a cell phone in the bedroom draws Nick out of his morning stupor just as he finishes shaving. He picks up the Android and scans the ID. <<Nikita>> is flashing on the screen, Nick answers.
“Hey Babe”
“I miss you”
“Yeah, I miss you too, how’s Moscow?”
“Freezing, gray, and people drive on the sidewalks.”
“Nothing’s changed then?”
“Not a thing. How’s the grant coming?”
“Slow, Tony’s being Tony”
“Oh, more tapes huh? Sorry to hear that. When is it due?”
“Yeah, more tapes.  Next Monday, lots of time.”

Sound of loud knocking on the door in the background
“Hey Babe, wait a minute, there’s someone at the door.”
“All right.”


Nick waits listening as Nikita answers the door. A male voice, speaking harshly in Russian, starts barking orders. Suddenly Nikita screams, there’s a loud bang like a door flung open against a wall, sounds of a struggle, grunts, a muffled cry, then the sounds fade as if it’s moving away.

“NIKITA!”

Nick yells into the phone. Silence. “Nikita pick up the phone!” Nothing.
Nick grabs the land line and dials the number for the hotel in Moscow where Nikita has been since she arrived for a security trade show. “Hotel Pleshka, may I help you?” “Yes, ring room 4213, Nikita Brittenham.” “One minute please” Silence. “Sir?” Nick is pacing the bedroom now. “Yeah, did she answer?” “I’m sorry Sir but the woman you asked for is not registered in this hotel.” “What?” “Are you sure you have the right hotel? Perhaps she is in a different one, there are many in Moscow” “Yeah, I’m sure, I was just talking to her and someone came to the door and there were screams, now she doesn’t answer the phone. She’s been there for a week and I’ve talked to her every night.” “I’m sorry Sir but she’s not a guest here.” Nick hangs up and returns to the cell to listen but there’s no sound and Nikita does not answer as he yells into the phone to pick up.

Nick’s brain switches into overdrive, he hangs up and immediately dials the Pentagon, he’s got one last contact there, Boris Bavolchek, and he needs his help fast.

Related Posts:

Chapter One