Category Archives: Sexy Grant Writing

50 Shades of Grant Writing

50shadesImagination is sexy. Grant writers have huge imaginations, sometimes we’re accused of having implants.

Grant writers need to have large imaginations because so many of their clients don’t know what the hell they want to do. Writing a grant can be pure fiction like, “50 Shades of Grey” Book 1 by E.L. James.

“In a daze, I place my hand in his and we shake. As our fingers touch, I feel an odd exhilarating shiver run through me. I withdraw my hand hastily, embarrassed. Must be static. I blink rapidly, my eyelids matching my heart rate.

Translated into 50 Shades of Grant language:

“Bedazzled by the agency’s large endowment, our Executive Director consummated the partnership  in an MOU (appended). Everyone is vibrating about what’s coming next. Must be low blood sugar. Our ED expects the partnership to rise rapidly and extend into fertile areas for expansion.”

A sexy grant writer can turn on their imagination and write a grant that makes the funding agency salivate.

The best imagination combined with experience grounded in grant implementation brings zest to the narrative that a lesser writer can’t produce. Careful writing won’t spark a reader’s imagination, there’s no tingle in that Grant spot.

The Grant Writing Equivalent of the Push-Up Bra

 A good push-up bra has a specific purpose – to provide support and make the wearer look her best (o.k., better than her natural best). If it didn’t accomplish that purpose, no one would wear them.

And the quickest and easiest way to get that “lifted up and looking good” effect is to wear a good push-up bra. Sure, you could get breast augmentation surgery, but that’s a long term solution, plus it’s very expensive and somewhat dangerous.  You could try special exercises, but that, too, is a long term solution and the result you’ll get is not as good as you’ll get with a push-up bra.

What does this have to do with grant writing?

There has to be a quick and easy way to improve your grant writing without taking the long road through course work, years of trial and error, and rejection without really knowing what you are doing wrong.

There is.

If you review some grant samples you’ll see examples of successful proposals and you’ll recognize the patterns and the application of the basics of effective grant writing.  Think of it as a self-study course.  And I’m not talking about a few grant samples.  In order to see those patterns of effective writing and how many different writers approach different grant challenges, you’ll need to read lots of grant samples.

That’s where comes in.  You can get unlimited access to hundreds of sample grants. You’ll see hundreds of examples of successful grant narratives for federal, state, and private grants. There are also budgets and budget narratives there for you to review. It’s the largest collection of grant samples available on the web.

So get busy strapping on that push-up bra of successful grant writing and lifting your writing out of the crowded mosh pit of mediocrity.  Then you can start getting the attention that the beautiful people (successful grant writers) get.

Wouldn’t that be nice?



Nine Ways for Sexy Grant Writers to Cool It

I have a theory, it’s Sexy grant Writers who are responsible for global warming. I can’t scientifically prove it, but when it’s hot, a sexy grant writer is bound to be right in the middle of things. Planning ahead can help a sexy grant writer and their partner stay cool when it’s sultry.

Here are nine tips for staying cool when the sun of grant writing sexiness is just too bright.

  • Conference call with your client behind slices of cucumber on your eyes.
  • Buy the bendy straws and sip lemonade in your hammock.
  • Edit under your mister.
  • Get your honey to rub an ice cube on the back of your neck.
  • Lick your favorite popsicle.
  • Dictate from the pool, to the pool boy.
  • Slurp up a cold double scoop.
  • Build your budget au natural.
  • Slip and slide between drafts.

There are lots of ways to cool off when you’re a smokin’ hot sexy grant writer, but it’s an ongoing challenge. Keep a list of suggestions for cooling off handy and never run out of ice because let’s face it, you sexy grant writers are going to melt a lot of hearts (and glaciers).

Photo Credit: Belovodchenko Anto

When a Sexy Grant Writer Loses their Vitality It’s Time to Re-Tool

Sometimes it’s tough to be sexy. It’s tough to look your best all the time, especially when you’re stuck behind a computer for 14 hours cranking out a brilliant narrative.

Here are some tips for keeping that sexy grant writer shape. If you follow these tips, you’re bound to look and feel sexier. (Of course we offer the standard disclaimer that before undertaking any physical exercise routine, check with your doctor to make sure you’re physically capable and not going to suffer unexpected side effects like keeling over).

  1. Stop eating European salads and eat local, fresh, and as much leafy green stuff as you can fit on your plate.
  2. Start an exercise routine and make it something you like.  It does not have to be rigorous, just make sure it relaxes, make it regular, and make it a routine.
  3. Each time you in-grow (shrink out of) your clothes, go to the Goodwill and give them away (out-grow is a word, so there must be an in-grow).
  4. Weigh in every week without fail to monitor your weight and each time you are at the drug store check your blood pressure.
  5. Take care of your back. A strong core is the foundation for a healthy back so work those abs.  Learn to do crunches while you walk.  It takes a little practice but then you get double benefit from your walking!
  6. Avoid the computer slump and hump.  Every couple of hours get up and put your hands on each side of a doorway and gently stretch your shoulders out, stand up straight and pull your shoulder blades together.
  7. Drink lots of water!  It not only keeps your skin young and your organs functioning well, it will make you get up to run to the bathroom every couple of hours (see #6 while you’re up!)

That sexy grant writer shape of yours is important to maintain!  It takes work and effort to sculpt that physique that’ll make people say “You’re Funded!”


Celebrate Grant Submission

Finishing and delivering a grant is one of the best experiences a sexy grant writer can have, am I right?

You spend weeks pushing through writing, rewriting, revising, editing, and publishing and all the while the tension grows as the deadline creeps closer.

The excitement caused by that approaching climax is almost too much to bear; you know it’s true, don’t be prudish.  It’s that thrilling rush at the end that makes the nasty business irresistible.

Let’s face it there’s a lot of pressure building over the weeks of writing.  People are counting on you for a big payoff and you can’t let them down.  Your urge to let the grant all go before it’s ready is strong, but you hold fast and keep stroking the keys until everything feels perfect.

Finally, the hour draws near and it’s time to lay it down. Take pains to slow down now and pay attention to details so you dazzle the readers sending them into starry-eyed fits of ecstasy.

If you’re a little breathless and a little sweaty, no worries, it is the sign of a sexy grant writer. Don’t feel at all shy about grabbing that package and delivering the job yourself.

(OK, OK, so it’s really called a submittal isn’t it?)


Ten (7) Ways a Sexy Grant Writer May Indulge in Spring

Spring has sprung around California in a BIG way.  Life is springing forth all over the landscape!  Pollen is pouring out, squirrels are wildly pursuing each other, hawks are doing naughty things on the telephone wires; it’s a lavish display of nature’s renewal and reproductive energy.

What can a sexy grant writer do but respond to all that – well, ENERGY? Here are ten ideas to spark your own spring squirrel chase and high wire act.

  1. Buy a kite and take another sexy grant writer with you to fly it. Remember to take someone with longer string to fly higher.
  2. Pack up the picnic basket and hike into a grassy meadow for a bucolic afternoon. Remember the sunscreen so you don’t end up re-creating that scene from “A River Runs through It.” (Oh come on, rent it already…Brad Pitt is in it.)
  3. Grab your fishing pole, grab your honey’s hand, and hike up your favorite stream. Remember to forget your swim suits!
  4. Dust off your beach umbrella, hose down your boogie board, and bleach your huaraches (so they’re springtime fresh) and head for the beach. Be sure to apply sunscreen every hour – to each other – until you’re out of sunscreen – or in need of privacy.
  5. Plant a vegetable garden with that sexy grant writer to eat healthy and eat up loads of vitamins for stamina and vigor in preparation for those wah-wah-licious long nights of summer to come.
  6. Drive out to the wine country (no matter where you live in California, it’s not far [except in Death Valley]) and go wine tasting, eat some gourmet cheese and crackers, then hand feed that sexy grant writer some luscious red ripe grapes.
  7. Take the catamaran from Long Beach to Catalina and stroll around  Avalon for the afternoon sipping cold cocktails by the shore. Then rent a bungalow for the night and take a moonlight horse ride across the island and let the moonlight and the bottle of wine take its natural course you sexy grant writing beasties.

OK, so I was supposed to write ten but now you went and got me all worked up and there’s spring weather outside and somewhere in the breeze outside there’s someone looking for this sexy grant writer.  I’m heading off to the wine shop now, see y’all in Catalina!

Sexy Grant Writer Accessories

We searched for outrageously sexy accessories that all sexy grant writers will want to maintain that  SGW aura. Each of these accessories by themselves could produce some white hot grant writing sexiness, but taken all together…well, forget about it, it’s too steamy to talk about here.  This is a family blog.

The O.R.B.  – A Super Sexy Bluetooth Phone Accessory

ORBIf that special guy hasn’t given you the rock yet, here’s a way to put that vacant real estate to good use. It’s called the O.R.B. and it’s so sexy your grants will be pre-funded. It’s a ring, it’s a Bluetooth, it’s pure logic model sexiness.


Sign up online to be the first Sexy Grant Writer to get one at an estimated $129.



Kempler & Strauss Sexy Phone/Watch (The name’s…Bond… Grant Bond…)

Perhaps this accessory is more in tune with male sexy grant writers unless you’re an ultra chic and fashion-forward female strutting on the high risk/reward lights of the runaway.

A watch – that’s a phone – that’s a watch.  Yes it’s Bluetooth enabled and even interacts on the road with your sexy wheels.

See it online here.



Vivienne Tam’s HP Butterfly Lovers Digital Clutch

A sexy grant writer can always raise the startle factor just by walking into the grant planning meeting in a Vivienne Tam dress, but how about adding a hot HP Digital Clutch? A sexy grant writer knows how to break the spell of iPad dittoism sweeping the world.

Visit Vivienne’s Site here!










Noon Solar Hand Bags

Sexy Grant writers set trends across the fashion spectrum and this ultra-green power solution is one more way a SGW can shrink their sexy carbon footprint. There’s a battery in the bag (3 oz) it’s charged on the outside is a paper thin, flexible, waterproof solar panel. The solar panel charges the battery pack to supply power for your cell phone or iPod, day or night. (No, it won’t power your laptop just yet.)

Get your sexy solar hand bag here!



High tech accessories, now that’s sexy!


Top Seven Ways to Spot a Sexy Grant Editor

An important aspect of being a successful grant writer is finding a great editor.  A sexy grant writer can’t use just any editor, consistency demands that we use a sexy editor or we risk writing that is horribly – shall we say, uninspired. Face it, sexiness meshes well with sexiness, so choose a sexy grant editor or you risk throwing water on your sparks.

The sexiness of an editor may be subtle so we’ve come up with some hints to help you spot one.

  1. Behind Jordana eyewear, a sexy grant editor can tell you how awful your draft is while you eat it up like hand-fed sweet grapes lying on a chaise by the pool at Bellagio.
  2. Sipping a triple shot non-fat soy latte after 24 hours of writing you’re rigidly riveted by a lecture on appropriate use of the comma splice.
  3. You enjoy her description of your parallel structure as hideously parabolic while your chin rests on your hands admiring her Nude-As-Naked toenails showing through her Pikolinos Maracaibo’s.
  4. You love how her yummy peach-tinged lipstick matches the highlighter she painted all over your grant narrative.
  5. It’s titillating how she tugs on your dangling participles and her insistence on grinding out active copy is not negotiable.
  6. Grant writers at 24 Hour Fitness comment on your renewed motivation to narrow your margins and trim your ending.
  7. The scalloped fringe of her Dolce&Gabbana dress makes the fact that your program design is completely unintelligible an entirely enjoyable revelation.

You must be prepared for a little rough treatment when you share your narrative with a sexy grant editor but why choose bland when sexy is more interesting?

Top Eight Ways to Appeal to a Sexy Grant Writer

Grant writers are always in BIG demand on the dating scene so you’ll need to know us better to catch one of us.Sexy Grant Writers are appealing

1)      Always promise a happy ending. (We love getting funded)

2)      Always tell us your needs (We like to design the perfect program)

3)      Always tell us how you’re going to evaluate performance. (We love an intimate assessment)

4)      Always make your objectives measurable. (cuz we know you’re more than significant)

5)      Always detail your budget. (We have expensive tastes)

6)      Don’t bind our narrative. (We like it loose)

7)      Always describe your management plan. (We prefer not to be surprised)

8)      Always start early and keep revising your style until it hits all the sweet spots. (Our sweet spots love a skillful editor)

Top 12 Reasons Grant Writers are Yummy

We know we’re delicious, but some people are afraid to try new things.  Exotic delights like grant writers scare some people off before they even take a bite.  There’s nothing to be afraid of and how do you know unless you try it?

  1. We put the nosh in your knish.Sexy grant writers are delicious like this loaf of french bread.
  2. We puff your pastry.
  3. We tantilize your taste buds.
  4. We terrorize your tiramisu.
  5. We back up your baklava.
  6. We sop up your sauces.
  7. We toast your buns.
  8. We grind your peppers.
  9. We put the cream in your puffs.
  10. We sauté your mushrooms.
  11. We knead your dough.
  12. We bake your biscuits.

If these aren’t enough reasons to savor that sexy grant writer – if you need a little more culinary instruction – brush with olive oil and put in a warm place to rise.

Other posts you may enjoy:

Top 10 Reasons to Read Sexy Grant Writers if Your are a Vegetarian

9 Ways to Pamper Your Sexy Grant Writer

Top Ten (plus 1) Reasons to Subscribe to Sexy Grant Writers

1. We’re sexy (and you fit in) Sexy grant writers love to be fed chocolates at poolside.
2. You’re sexy too ( and it’s nice to be reminded)
3. You’re secretly attracted to Nick.
4. You deserve a break from writing narratives.
5. You like it edgy.
6. Your Mom won’t approve.
7. Your Dad can’t send you a friend request here.
8. Your zen master told you it enhances feng shui.
9. Dr. Oz said it induces release of pheromones.
10. It blows your skirt up like Marylin Monroe’s.
11. It’s like being hand fed Godiva chocolates poolside by the love of your life.

Now you only need to act and subscribe!  Just click on the subscribe button in the laft sidebar and you’re in!

Other Posts You’ll Enjoy:

Dilated and Tweeting
Top Ten Reasons Grant Writers are Sexy

Graphic Credit – Gabriella Fabbri

More Tips on How to Attract a GWM

This is the post you’ve been waiting for.  The last 7 of 14 tips on how to attract the perfect Grant Writer Match to complement your grant writer sexiness.GWM

We hope that the first 7 lines have landed you that perfect GWM and that you have engaged the services of a talented wedding planner.  In case you still haven’t scored the perfect match, here are 7 more perfect pick-up lines to connect you with that GWM of your dreams.

1. I’ve got a measurable objective for you.

2. You’re so hot, you deserve a letter of support.

3. Here’s my response to your narrative.

4. Your goal is my objective.

5. You #1 on my checklist.

6. You and me, header to footer, think about it.

7. I’m your original, can you bind me?

Related Posts:

How to Attract a GWM

Grant Writers are Sexy Beasts

How to Attract a GWM

Let’s face it, grant writers are a catch.  Witness all the personal ads looking for a match with us!  Maybe you’ve missed it, but people looking for us are everywhere. They advertise themselves under a clever acronym – GWM (i.e., Grant Writer Match) – we are plainly a HOT commodity.GWM

You need to take the right approach to connect with that perfect GWM.  Here are 7 of the 14 top pick-up lines that can instantly tell a GWM that you know your RFP’s.

1. I’m the design for your needs.

2. I want YOU on my MOU.

3. If you were literature, I’d give you a citation.

4. I’d like to evaluate your design.

5. Can I be one of your activities?

6. I’ve got a budget for your benefits.

7. May I illustrate your design?

Check back soon for the last 7 lines that can help you attract that special GWM; or, subscribe to Sexy Grant Writers and our posts can be emailed to you!

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Nine Ways to Pamper Your Sexy Grant Writer

Grant Writers are Humble

Little Know Facts about Sexy Grant Writers

Little Known Facts about Grant Writers In an effort to bring greater transparency to the field of grant writing, here is a short list of things you may not know about a grant writer. While each of these is not true of all grant writers, we imagine that many of them apply to most grant writers. Sexy Grant Writers are mysterious people like this man standing in the desert with his arms outstretched.

1. We sometimes write proposals in our bunny slippers

a. We have bunny slippers

2. We always put the roll on over, not under

a. We always put the seat down

3. We can’t ignore the chocolate in the cupboard or the pie in the fridge (they call to us)

4. We’re lobbying for a Pulitzer to be given in grant writing

5. We sometimes read narrative drafts in the bath tub

a. Sometimes we just sing “Evergreen” (Love Theme from “A Star is Born”)

6. We sometimes take your phone call on the 9th green

a. The phone always rings on our backstroke

7. Our blood pressure spikes 12 hours before a deadline

a. We eat oatmeal to keep our blood pressure down (or just put some in the bath water)

8. We have an unreasonable paranoia about signature pages

Grant writers are a curious lot. We like people, but we work alone. We dislike writing restrictions and yet we follow restrictions carefully. To know us is to love us!

Photo Credit – Troy Stoi
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Top Ten Reasons to Read Sexy Grant Writers if You’re a Vegetarian

1)      It keeps your celery crisp

2)      It juices your lemonSexy Grant Writers are vegetarians - large gourde

3)      It stuffs your gourd

4)      It peels your potatoes

5)      It splits your peas

6)      It pokes your papaya

7)      It peels your banana

8)      It tickles the fuzz on your peaches

9)      It makes your Brussels sprout

10)   It massages your mango

You get the message.  Now get the nutrition, subscribe to Sexy Grant Writers.

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Ten Reasons Sexy Grant Writers Love Dessert

Nine Ways to Pamper Your Sexy Grant Writer

Photo Credit: Andrew Beierle (yeah, blame him)

Sexy Grant Writers Enhances Feng Shui

Grant writers know that proper environment for writing creates the right attitude.  That’s why our Sexy Grant Writers blog is so powerful at enhancing your Feng Shui (ness).  Read regularly and you can’t help but start re-aligning your office furniture, buying bamboo plants, and little sand boxes with rakes.   Here are the Ten Top reasons why you should make Sexy Grant Writers a regular part of harmonizing your grant writing atmosphere.Sexy Grant Writers enhances your Feng Shui - Picture of bamboo

10) It moves your Qi in a positive direction.

9) Your astrolabe points here.

8) It’s one of your wandering stars.

7) It keeps your Yin and Yang in balance.

6) It enhances your elements (especially FIRE).

5) I divines your Bagua.

4) It keeps you from going Red Phoenix.

3) It’s one of your Four Pillars of Destiny.

2) It keeps your bamboo limber.

1) It congeals your Qi.

Is virtue a thing remote? I wish to be virtuous, and lo! Virtue is at hand.  Confucius, The Confucian Analects

Nine Ways to Pamper Your Sexy Grant Writer

Pamper your sexy grant writer with a nice warm bath.You may think grant writers have it soft sitting in a nice chair all day writing.  It’s true we can have our coffee there and maybe a nice cookie while we work.  But just try writing for ten hours with only a few bathroom breaks.  Your shoulders cramp, your forearms cramp, your calves cramp, your eyes get tired, it’s a grind. While it’s true that we’re even sexier when tired, we do enjoy some refreshing pampering.

Here are nine ideas about how to pamper your sexy grant writer:

1)      Bring a vase of cut flowers to sit beside the computer to bring color and fragrance to the grant writing process.

2)      Buy some warming oil and give your sexy grant writer a shoulder massage. (close the office blinds first, that adds to the atmosphere and keeps you both out of jail.)

3)      Make a run to the local coffee shop for some spectacular coffee drinks then invite your sexy grant writer to sit on the porch.

4)      Buy a pedicure certificate and offer to read a grant draft while your sexy grant writer takes a break for an hour to go to the salon.

5)      Cook a pot of special soup or stew, buy some excellent bread and butter so your grant writer can take breaks and eat well without having to cook.

6)      Run a hot bath, dim the lighting, put on some Barry White, add some bath oils, light a candle, then get in and text your grant writer to join you (if you need more directions, don’t waste the hot water).

7)      Bring a tub of hot water into the office, remove your sexy grant writer’s shoes and socks and soak their weary feet while giving them a foot massage.

8)      Pack a suitcase for two and after your sexy grant writer submits their application, drive directly to a nice hotel on the coast for a couple of days.

9)      If you and your sexy grant writer have kids, do #1; #3; #5 and then take the kids out for the day. Do #2; and #7 when you get back, get a sitter before executing #8, and skip #6 unless you want more kids.

Sexy grant writers love to be pampered; it makes us all feel all squishy and wah-wah-licious inside.  We deserve a little pampering too because grant writing is hard work, even if we aren’t getting blisters.  Spend a little time pampering your grant writer and they may just pamper you back. 

Now that’s sexy!

Related Post:

Grant Writers are Sexy Beasts

Photo Credit: Roger Kirby

Grant Writers are Humble About Our Celebrity

Grant Writers are people too, even if we’re exceptionally sexy ones.  We enjoy the simple things in life like everyone else.  Sexy Grant Writers silhouette in redWe like the early-bird breakfast for $2.95 and we’re annoyed when we see the bill and realize that coffee wasn’t included. We enjoy a sunny day as much as the next person even though we have little time to get out and enjoy the sunshine.  The point is that we’re regular people – exceptionally attractive, true enough.  We’re just normal folks, so there’s no need to treat us differently.  

Here are some examples of how you can suppress your natural desire to faun all over any grant writer you encounter:

  1. Flight attendants may smash our elbows with the beverage cart like you do to everyone else.
  2. Coffee house waitresses may splash coffee all over our reading materials.
  3. Maitre de House of Pancakes may seat us at the booth next to the hairy-shouldered, bare chested dude in overalls and his screaming, drippy-nosed kids.
  4. Grocery shoppers don’t need to take one side for us, just park that cart smack –kattywompus- dab in the middle and block the aisle.
  5. Car rental agents don’t need to fill the gas tank with gas for us before we pick up the car.  Truly, we’re perfectly OK with driving around strange cities looking for gas stations in the dark, our natural glow will light our way.
  6. Hotel desk attendants should not feel the need to hold a room with a view or near the elevators for us, we’re OK schlepping our bags half a mile across the parking lots at night to the room with a new zip code.  You know the one, it’s right under the room occupied by the visiting high school wrestling team next to one where a 21st birthday celebration is being held by a budding rapper.
  7. Post office workers don’t have to walk any faster for us, smile, act like they’re happy to see us, or offer us coffee and donuts on china with doilies.  Honestly, we can handle being treated like Siberian coal miners the same as everyone else in the Republic.

Grant Writers know we’re celebrities but we ask that our groupies and paparazzi play it cool and not clog the streets when we’re out (and will our stalkers please bring back our lawn gnomes?).

We don’t like to rub our grant writer status in anyone’s face.  We don’t need special treatment.  We like to blend in, fly under the radar, but we do look spectacular in flight.  So everyone please relax in our presence, as you were.

Related Posts:
The Joy of Grant Writing
Top Ten Reasons that Grant Writers are Sexy

Photo Credit: barunpatro

Top Ten Reasons that Size Matters to a Sexy Grant Writer

Size matters to sexy grant writers - image of a tape measureDoes size matter?  It’s an age-old debate among grant writers.  Some will argue that smaller are harder because of the level of detail that’s necessary to compress; yet others will argue that larger is harder because there is a tendency to lose one’s way on long narratives.

While bigger may seem better, this is only true in the hands of a skillful grant writer. Bigger grants in the hands of the inexperienced can miss the mark entirely.

Veteran Sexy Grant Writers can attest to the fact that size matters in many aspects of grant writing and here are ten reasons why:

10) Bigger will stretch your margins (spacing).
9) Most require a substantial size 12 [font].
8) Length is rigid (narrative).
7) Most have ample appendices behind.
6) Large visual images (fantasy) can crowd out narrative (reality).
5) Too much won’t fit (pages).
4) Staples may be too short (binding).
3) Big foot(notes) infer deeper substance (not always an accurate assumption).
2) Long ones are hard to duplicate (photocopy).
1) The biggest ones can be awfully difficult to firm up (edit).

In the end, it is masterful manipulation that matters regardless of size. Concentration and attention to the satisfaction of the receiver of the grant brings the ultimate reward. Bad applications of any size are disappointing and anti-climactic.

Sexy Grant Writers know that size matters, but bigger is not always better.

Related Posts:

Top Ten Reasons Grant Writers are Sexy
Grant Writers are Sexy Beasts: Why Can’t Everyone See It?

Photo Credit: Michal Ufniak

Top Ten Reasons Grant Writers Are Sexy

sexy grant writersI tried to think like David Letterman (not Charlie Sheen) when I wrote these ten reasons grant writers are sexy but it was hard to do.  I think it’s because I’m a grant writer and it doesn’t come naturally to grant writers to parade our sexiness around like a peacock. I decided to write this dithering intro to loosen me up enough to write on the topic of “sexy” so here I go!

10. We’re humble about being sexy (except on this blog)

9. Our line spacing is never chemically-induced

 8. We know what abstract means

7.  We are never in passive tense

6.  We have huge staplers

5.  We can tickle your attachments

4.  We always finish last (page)

3. We know where your appendix is

2. We put the kinky in Kinkos

1. We can bring home the bacon, cook it, and make you a BLT

(Bonus reason – We have nimble fingers from writing so much)

Get the resources that will make you sexy!

Federal Grant Resources eBook
101 Tips for Aspiring Grant Writers

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The Joy of Grant Writing

End on the Last Page

The Joy of Grant Writing!

• Key scientific discoveries in the grant writing fields of grant psychology, grant writer physiology, and grant writer sexynessGrant writer research

Swiss researchers working at a University in Bern have announced new discoveries about grant writers. Sequestered in the Alps for the past 12 months with 24 grant writers, these intrepid scientists have been studying grant writer behavior and their report on what makes a grant writer tick is nothing short of stunning.

Dr. Vianna de Walbroia of Geneva studied the psychology of the grant writers by putting them through extensive daily testing. In this statement she summarizes her findings, “D’ere is a common psychosis among da group involving commas and 12 point fonts. Eeeet seems to be related to der over-deweloped sense of cramming far too much content into limited page restrictions. In vun experiment I offered to allow dem to write whatever de wanted and use as much paper as dey wanted, to a person, da group was so nervous dat they refused to begin writing until an approved RFP was issued for dee assignment. Dey just sat dere looking at me…it was unnerving to say da least. In da end, dey never wrote nothing so I jus put da paper away and led dem on a hike in da Alps wit a rousing Sound of Music Sing-a-long.”

Dr. Perreta de Chesaux studied the physiology of the group using a standard battery of medical and physical tests. He reports extraordinary abilities among the group in his report summarized here, “I can’t prove it genetically yet but I tink dat grant writers might be genetic mutations created by angry retired school teachers so dat grant writers reproduce school children who can sit still for more dan eight hours at a time and never say a ting. Dey also have dis peculiar increase in heart rate and blood pressure when dars any mention of jelly donuts or when ders any mention in the news of increased government entitlement spending diverted from de grant programs. I’m hoping dat one of dem will write me a grant to continue my research.”

Dr. Ruth de Chaseles was commissioned to study the attractiveness of grant writers which she passionately pursued using both hard and soft data. The doctor gives a brief overview of her results, “I measured da sexyness of dese grant writers wit da local population as a control group. My team measured da level of pheromones, physical traits such as facial construction and body type, and various personality tests too. Our comparisons between da groups did not show any remarkable differences in anyting vee could measure. But da subjective testing showed dat dere is a substantial difference in sexual attraction whenever a subject was exposed to one of da grant writers. It’s inexplicable to me, in my forty years of work I never saw nothing like dis since da beeeetles. Vee had to hire a security firm from Austria –cause vee don take sides – to keep da grant writers magnetism from corrupting da control group wit da hanky panky. And yes is true dat I’m getting married next week to one of da ones who writes da federal grant applications, hees idiomatic structures is magnificent.”

The team asserts that the study results will be useful in regulating grant writer behavior, improving grant writing training, and alerting the general population to the previously unknown animal magnetism of grant writers. The team even proposed a new genus to the scientific community named “homo grantwritericus.” Wikipedia has already adopted the new term and an authoritative definition by the team has been posted.

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Grant Writers are Sexy Beasts…

Photo Credit - Mattox

Grant Writing is like Having a Baby?

A confused man.The best thing about being a grant writer is getting the news that one of your proposals is funded. That’s a good moment. The second best moment is being paid for writing the grant. The rest of the job is just plain old-fashioned hard work.

Grant writing is hard to do well. It is a ton of writing, and rewriting, and editing, and formatting, and so on. It’s often a tedious process. It can also be frustrating when a narrative isn’t coming together the way you want it to. That raises the stress in a stressful process.

The final hours before a grant is due can be crazy too! Things around our office get tense on submission day. Everyone is very focused on those days and there’s always that atmosphere of grinding out the last details. Anyone who has ever written anything of importance knows that a narrative is never truly finished. Oh, it may be grammatically correct, the format may be just-so, and the language may be crisp; but, there’s always something that could be improved a little here and there. Those are the details that a professional writer cares about working with up until the very last moment.

So nearly every proposal is like having a baby. It’s a lot of hours of labor punctuated at the very end by a lot of hard pushing, sweating, and grunting. There are no epidurals and there are no C-sections for a grant, only the old fashioned way, there’s even Lamaze breathing over the copy machine.

OK, so maybe that’s a little too graphic to be sexy but giving birth to a grant is a lot of hard work. The big difference is that as the writer, there’s no more work after the grant is born. After the grant is delivered, your work is done and if it’s done well enough your baby will produce good things in the world for your client. But you never have to change a diaper.

Maybe I drifted way off topic here. Let’s try to tie this all together shall we? One of the best days of a person’s life is when their child is born. One of the best days of a grant writer’s job is when a grant gets funded. What leads up to each of those events is by turns pleasurable ( Person = ahem-ahem, and Grant Writer – getting paid) and lots of work ( Person – going through 9 months of pregnancy and labor, Grant Writer –writing the grant), but in the end something unique and wonderful is produced ( person – baby, and Grant Writer – successful proposal).

Wringing the life out of a metaphor – now that’s sexy.

Color Me Giants Orange!

A guy painting himself orange.Watching the last out of the World Series just never gets old for me.  I love watching a bunch of grown men going wild like a bunch of little league-ers who were told they’re getting pizza and ice cream after the game.  The old Wide World of Sports saying, “…the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat” is why I watch, it’s what I love about sports the most.  It is borrowed exhilaration, but it’s real none-the-less.  I feel like jumping around with them even though I did nothing but sit on the couch.  Most of the year, I am not a baseball fan, but just as each March I become a college basketball fan, each October I become a baseball fan.

I can still have some of that exhilaration by getting a grant funded.  I get to do a victory lap around the office, I get to call a client and give them the good news unless they hear it first.  I get to high five people and ask them “who’s your daddy?”  (not out loud)

Grant writing is competition.  It’s a thrill to win and it’s agony to lose.  But it still gives you a spark of excitement like those pre-game jitters in high school football.  I recall game day Friday was a thrill every week.  All the guys had to wear shirts and ties to school and after school we’d go to the burger joint down the street with the big bullfrog out front.  Our cross-county rivals would vandalize the frog by painting it red each fall, then we’d paint it green again and whip them on the field for daring to abuse our frog.  If we didn’t win on the scoreboard we’d whip them in a bench-clearing brawl; one way or the other we’d defend our frog’s honor.

Fortunately our rival grant writers don’t vandalize our frogs or anything so we never have a bench clearing brawl with them.  But we’re in competition, we all work hard to prepare and we give our best effort on the field (desk) and at the end of the game (grant award time) there are winners (the funded) and losers (the un-funded).  The excitement of grant competitions is what makes it interesting to be a grant writer, it is what makes it challenging, and for me, the challenge just never gets old!

Grant competitions are the World Series for grant writers, now that’s sexy!

Postmarked by the Universe

Red eyed and bleary after a late night and early morning before a 5PM deadline, I rushed out the door of my office about 4:53 PM to the post office with both grants completed. I didn’t even stop to put the stack of envelopes down to lock the office door somewhere secretly hoping that I’d be burglarized and have to start a new career outside grant writing – tomorrow – after a good night’s sleep. These grants had to be postmarked by 5PM and the post office was about two blocks from my office but I still jumped in the car tossing the envelopes into the front seat.

Cross traffic at the end of my block was heavy of course, it was rush hour. So I sat there cursing my luck, cursing my greed at taking on two grants instead of one, cursing my copy machine that jammed over and over again as I was printing the final copies, cursing the pagination error in one grant which I found as I did a final perusal that forced me to re-print the entire correct document. There was a lot of cursing going on, I was in a state of panic.

A gap appeared in traffic and I drove my foot to the floor lurching my car into the gap to the bewilderment of the now equally distressed driver; oh well, they couldn’t possibly match my dire straits: it was now 4:56 and the post office is prompt about one thing and that’s locking their doors at 5PM.

Traffic crawled the block to the post office and I scraped my front end zipping into the parking lot through the deep gutter. I parked, I grabbed my envelopes, and I raced to the door where a worker was posted with keys in hand admitting the final patrons of the day before locking us in and the tardy public out.

Standing there in line sweating with my bundles of envelopes I knew I’d made it to the finish line and my clients’ grants would be submitted as contracted for. I’d narrowly escaped the Sword of Damocles and the universe had given me the smallest crack to squeeze through and I’d gotten through!

Post Script – Both grants were successfully funded and all was right with the world, my application to a trade school for window washers was rejected for lack of prerequisites and I was forced to continue my career in grant writing. I did sell that photo copy machine to an attorney who dropped in while loading it into his pickup truck, the universe is so good to me.

Now that’s sexy!

Grant Writers are Sexy Beasts: Why Can’t Everyone See It?

I know you’re finding this a hard title to swallow if you’re a freelance grant writer; but it’s true, not everyone is going to see you for the smokin’, free-wheelin’ pan of hot-rib-lickin’ fun that you are.

Some of your clients are just going to see you as an unnecessary expense; you know, they will put on a par with federal income taxes or Iowa earthquake insurance. Some clients will regard you as a kind of pick-pocket. Some of these clients are actually philanthropists, and others just think they are, even the ones who draw large salaries; because after all, they could be making SO MUCH MORE if they were just CEO of Chase, Disney, MGM or something. Of course they’re not, but they COULD be.

Some clients will hold the opinion that a volunteer should be doing their grant writing because it’s such a simple task.  Shamelessly, some of them will hold the opinon that YOU should be volunteering your services; they do, after all, have such a super-sized, scrumptious, volunteer-worthy cause. Besides, they won’t get a bonus at the end of the year by spending it on you.

So while you may feel all Ralph Lauren sleek, others may not see it. They might even talk behind your back about it, yet they smile when you arrive. They may think you’re hiding your wealth when you drive your up in Honda Civic. They may think you left the Lambo with Jeeves in the Carriage House and you’re putting on airs in your Dockers and Nunn Bushes. You may be cutting your own hair and they’ll think it’s an expensive avant gaarde cut from a salon in Soho that you fly to each weekend in your Leer with Chi-Chi and Bubbles (your French poodles).

It’s a hard thing to be misunderstood but we freelance grant writers need to hold fast to our inner sexiness, to our wah-wah-licious, thigh-burning, hotness. ‘Cause some clients will simply want to throw a bucketful of cold snarkyness on you and you’ll feel less than whistle-worthy; but trust me, you are, you’re all that and a bucket full of “philanthropists”.

Now that’s sexy!

Pulling an All-Nighter

It’s 1 AM and I’m halfway through my second draft. I drank two pots of coffee since 10 PM, scarfed down some junk food, and now I walk out to the porch and cold air just trying to keep my eyes open. My five o’clock shadow is rapidly turning into a 2 AM shadow and it’s so rough that it’s starting to pull out fibers on my collar.A grant writer asleep on a bench.

The neighborhood is peaceful. An owl hoots from a tree and an airplane blinks past overhead with a distant drone but there’s no traffic on the street. The porch light draws some moths the flutter about and my breath is visible in the early morning air.

I have a lot of editing to do on this narrative before I can move on to the budget, budget narrative, forms, and final formatting, all waiting to be finished before the 5 PM deadline I’m facing. I remember a time when I could give some of this work to someone else so I didn’t have to shoulder the whole load myself.  But these days I work alone out of my house.

Once I had a fantasy of the romantic life of a writer. But shivering here in my shorts and T-shirt, flip-flops on my feet, in the wee hours of the night, the reality of working alone for yourself is not nearly as glamorous as I had once imagined.

Fully awake I turn my back on the peaceful neighbors slumbering and head back to my office.  The house is in need of cleaning, it’s cluttered with discarded drafts and post-its lay crumpled around the waste basket.

Now that’s sexy.