Tag Archives: Sexy Grant Writers

50 Shades of Grant Writing

50shadesImagination is sexy. Grant writers have huge imaginations, sometimes we’re accused of having implants.

Grant writers need to have large imaginations because so many of their clients don’t know what the hell they want to do. Writing a grant can be pure fiction like, “50 Shades of Grey” Book 1 by E.L. James.

“In a daze, I place my hand in his and we shake. As our fingers touch, I feel an odd exhilarating shiver run through me. I withdraw my hand hastily, embarrassed. Must be static. I blink rapidly, my eyelids matching my heart rate.

Translated into 50 Shades of Grant language:

“Bedazzled by the agency’s large endowment, our Executive Director consummated the partnership  in an MOU (appended). Everyone is vibrating about what’s coming next. Must be low blood sugar. Our ED expects the partnership to rise rapidly and extend into fertile areas for expansion.”

A sexy grant writer can turn on their imagination and write a grant that makes the funding agency salivate.

The best imagination combined with experience grounded in grant implementation brings zest to the narrative that a lesser writer can’t produce. Careful writing won’t spark a reader’s imagination, there’s no tingle in that Grant spot.

Charge an Ethical Fee

Grant writing fees can be contentious. Some people think all consultants are overpaid, others think we’re sexy and worth our weight in gold. But being paid well is not the same as charging unethical fees.girl with boat on head

Here are some points to consider in setting fees:

  • Does it make you feel good?
  • Do you communicate what you will do for your fee?
  • Do you deliver a satisfying experience?
  • Is there a happy ending for your client?
  • Are your talents on display throughout performance of the service?
  • Are you ashamed to talk about how much you make?
  • Will there be bad publicity if your fees are talked about?
  • Did you do anything the client did not expect?
  • Does your contract protect both of you?
  • Is your client using someone else’s money to pay you?
  • Does your client leave your office out the side door?

Some grant writers charge a percentage of the grant and others write the grant in exchange for the evaluation: neither practice is considered ethical

Ethical grant writers are sexy.

Celebrate Grant Submission

Finishing and delivering a grant is one of the best experiences a sexy grant writer can have, am I right?

You spend weeks pushing through writing, rewriting, revising, editing, and publishing and all the while the tension grows as the deadline creeps closer.

The excitement caused by that approaching climax is almost too much to bear; you know it’s true, don’t be prudish.  It’s that thrilling rush at the end that makes the nasty business irresistible.

Let’s face it there’s a lot of pressure building over the weeks of writing.  People are counting on you for a big payoff and you can’t let them down.  Your urge to let the grant all go before it’s ready is strong, but you hold fast and keep stroking the keys until everything feels perfect.

Finally, the hour draws near and it’s time to lay it down. Take pains to slow down now and pay attention to details so you dazzle the readers sending them into starry-eyed fits of ecstasy.

If you’re a little breathless and a little sweaty, no worries, it is the sign of a sexy grant writer. Don’t feel at all shy about grabbing that package and delivering the job yourself.

(OK, OK, so it’s really called a submittal isn’t it?)

 

Sexy Grant Writer Accessories

We searched for outrageously sexy accessories that all sexy grant writers will want to maintain that  SGW aura. Each of these accessories by themselves could produce some white hot grant writing sexiness, but taken all together…well, forget about it, it’s too steamy to talk about here.  This is a family blog.

The O.R.B.  – A Super Sexy Bluetooth Phone Accessory

ORBIf that special guy hasn’t given you the rock yet, here’s a way to put that vacant real estate to good use. It’s called the O.R.B. and it’s so sexy your grants will be pre-funded. It’s a ring, it’s a Bluetooth, it’s pure logic model sexiness.

 

Sign up online to be the first Sexy Grant Writer to get one at an estimated $129.

 

 

Kempler & Strauss Sexy Phone/Watch (The name’s…Bond… Grant Bond…)

Perhaps this accessory is more in tune with male sexy grant writers unless you’re an ultra chic and fashion-forward female strutting on the high risk/reward lights of the runaway.

A watch – that’s a phone – that’s a watch.  Yes it’s Bluetooth enabled and even interacts on the road with your sexy wheels.

See it online here.

 

 

Vivienne Tam’s HP Butterfly Lovers Digital Clutch

A sexy grant writer can always raise the startle factor just by walking into the grant planning meeting in a Vivienne Tam dress, but how about adding a hot HP Digital Clutch? A sexy grant writer knows how to break the spell of iPad dittoism sweeping the world.

Visit Vivienne’s Site here!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Noon Solar Hand Bags

Sexy Grant writers set trends across the fashion spectrum and this ultra-green power solution is one more way a SGW can shrink their sexy carbon footprint. There’s a battery in the bag (3 oz) it’s charged on the outside is a paper thin, flexible, waterproof solar panel. The solar panel charges the battery pack to supply power for your cell phone or iPod, day or night. (No, it won’t power your laptop just yet.)

Get your sexy solar hand bag here!

 

 

High tech accessories, now that’s sexy!

 

Top Eight Ways to Appeal to a Sexy Grant Writer

Grant writers are always in BIG demand on the dating scene so you’ll need to know us better to catch one of us.Sexy Grant Writers are appealing

1)      Always promise a happy ending. (We love getting funded)

2)      Always tell us your needs (We like to design the perfect program)

3)      Always tell us how you’re going to evaluate performance. (We love an intimate assessment)

4)      Always make your objectives measurable. (cuz we know you’re more than significant)

5)      Always detail your budget. (We have expensive tastes)

6)      Don’t bind our narrative. (We like it loose)

7)      Always describe your management plan. (We prefer not to be surprised)

8)      Always start early and keep revising your style until it hits all the sweet spots. (Our sweet spots love a skillful editor)

Top 12 Reasons Grant Writers are Yummy

We know we’re delicious, but some people are afraid to try new things.  Exotic delights like grant writers scare some people off before they even take a bite.  There’s nothing to be afraid of and how do you know unless you try it?

  1. We put the nosh in your knish.Sexy grant writers are delicious like this loaf of french bread.
  2. We puff your pastry.
  3. We tantilize your taste buds.
  4. We terrorize your tiramisu.
  5. We back up your baklava.
  6. We sop up your sauces.
  7. We toast your buns.
  8. We grind your peppers.
  9. We put the cream in your puffs.
  10. We sauté your mushrooms.
  11. We knead your dough.
  12. We bake your biscuits.

If these aren’t enough reasons to savor that sexy grant writer – if you need a little more culinary instruction – brush with olive oil and put in a warm place to rise.

Other posts you may enjoy:

Top 10 Reasons to Read Sexy Grant Writers if Your are a Vegetarian

9 Ways to Pamper Your Sexy Grant Writer

Top Ten (plus 1) Reasons to Subscribe to Sexy Grant Writers

1. We’re sexy (and you fit in) Sexy grant writers love to be fed chocolates at poolside.
2. You’re sexy too ( and it’s nice to be reminded)
3. You’re secretly attracted to Nick.
4. You deserve a break from writing narratives.
5. You like it edgy.
6. Your Mom won’t approve.
7. Your Dad can’t send you a friend request here.
8. Your zen master told you it enhances feng shui.
9. Dr. Oz said it induces release of pheromones.
10. It blows your skirt up like Marylin Monroe’s.
11. It’s like being hand fed Godiva chocolates poolside by the love of your life.

Now you only need to act and subscribe!  Just click on the subscribe button in the laft sidebar and you’re in!

Other Posts You’ll Enjoy:

Dilated and Tweeting
Top Ten Reasons Grant Writers are Sexy

Graphic Credit – Gabriella Fabbri

More Tips on How to Attract a GWM

This is the post you’ve been waiting for.  The last 7 of 14 tips on how to attract the perfect Grant Writer Match to complement your grant writer sexiness.GWM

We hope that the first 7 lines have landed you that perfect GWM and that you have engaged the services of a talented wedding planner.  In case you still haven’t scored the perfect match, here are 7 more perfect pick-up lines to connect you with that GWM of your dreams.

1. I’ve got a measurable objective for you.

2. You’re so hot, you deserve a letter of support.

3. Here’s my response to your narrative.

4. Your goal is my objective.

5. You #1 on my checklist.

6. You and me, header to footer, think about it.

7. I’m your original, can you bind me?

Related Posts:

How to Attract a GWM

Grant Writers are Sexy Beasts

How to Attract a GWM

Let’s face it, grant writers are a catch.  Witness all the personal ads looking for a match with us!  Maybe you’ve missed it, but people looking for us are everywhere. They advertise themselves under a clever acronym – GWM (i.e., Grant Writer Match) – we are plainly a HOT commodity.GWM

You need to take the right approach to connect with that perfect GWM.  Here are 7 of the 14 top pick-up lines that can instantly tell a GWM that you know your RFP’s.

1. I’m the design for your needs.

2. I want YOU on my MOU.

3. If you were literature, I’d give you a citation.

4. I’d like to evaluate your design.

5. Can I be one of your activities?

6. I’ve got a budget for your benefits.

7. May I illustrate your design?

Check back soon for the last 7 lines that can help you attract that special GWM; or, subscribe to Sexy Grant Writers and our posts can be emailed to you!

Related Posts:

Nine Ways to Pamper Your Sexy Grant Writer

Grant Writers are Humble

The Grant Writer with the Winnie the Pooh Tattoo: Chapter 7

Nick found Boris outside his office pacing the hallway.  “Hello Boris.” “Thank you Mary, Nick come with me.” Boris pivoted at walked down the hallway at a determined pace, Nick fell into step beside him.  “Where are we going?” “Situation room, I’ve got a team on this now, something is up and you’re hot, we don’t know why.” “Yeah, tell me about the heat, I barely made it out of the Metro.” “What?” Boris stopped in his tracks and turned to face Nick. “Who was it?  Did you recognize anyone?” “No, I never got close enough.  I got one fast look at the guy underground, and I thought I knew the face, but he was a good 200 yards away, so I couldn’t be sure.” “Let’s go.” Boris wheeled and set off down the hallway with Nick hustling to keep up.Nick, the Sexy Grant Writer with the Winnie the Pooh Tattoo

Boris swiped his security card in a reader on the wall, then set his chin on a rest while his retina was scanned.  The door skid back suddenly and Boris ushered Nick inside where within a circular bank of computers, monitors, sat four other agents 3 of whom who hardly looked up when they entered so intent were they on their monitors.  The fourth rose and walked swiftly across the room to greet Boris.  “What have we learned John?”  “Not much so far, but we’re just starting. We reached out to every primary contact in Moscow to start listening on the street.” “What about Karnikov?” “We sent him over to the hotel, he’s “interviewing” the hotel clerk now.  He’ll talk if he knows anything but he probably doesn’t know a thing.” John is a lean young Asian man who Nick estimates is thirty.  Probably an MIT grad with a Ph.D. in cryptology or some arcane spy science. John appraises Nick Boris introduces him. “John this is Nick Serranto, it’s his girlfriend who was abducted in Moscow.  Nick retired from the Agency a few years ago.  You know the rest, what you don’t know is that Nick had a tail on the way over.” “Where did you see them?” “I saw them twice.  First in the metro, one underground, another one up top at the exits.  A black town car at the curb, couldn’t see if there was anyone else.”  Boris interrupted, “You didn’t tell me you saw them twice.” “Boris You didn’t give me a chance before you bolted up the hallway! They bought the Tonic routine, the town car was across the street from Quigley’s by the time the taxi drove past.” “I wasn’t sure if you being cautious with that routine Nick.  You haven’t gotten that rusty I guess.” “I opened the cell and it had a tracking bug in it, hard wired into the phone battery too, slick device.” “Naw, that’s old news now, probably old KGB junk,” John interjected, “The new stuff from China can’t even be found unless you’re an electrical engineer.” “Where’s the phone?” “I dialed the cable company where you’re on hold for hours and jammed it into the taxi seat.  I figured they’d chase a yellow cab around.”

“John!” came from across the room.  A young black woman peered out from behind her monitor, her face glowed in bluish light. “Come here, I’ve got something.” All three men skirted the inner circle of desks to form up behind the woman’s computer. “What is it Kara?” “Bad news…”

Previous Chapters:
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3 

Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6

Nick Sorrento: Chapter 6

Nick sat in the back of the taxi silently, steeped in thought.  None of this made sense.  Nikita wasn’t an agent and never had been, he’d been out of the game for years now.  So why Nikita, why were they after him now after all this time.  The driver headed down Massachusetts Avenue toward Foggy Bottom where they’d catch the Roosevelt Bridge into Virginia then head south past Arlington Cemetery to the Pentagon.The Grant Writer with the Winnie the Pooh Tattoo

Nick began thinking like an agent.  Whoever the man in the Fedora was knew where he lived, he knew he’d be heading for the Metro.  Nick froze, pulled out his phone and stripped off the back and removed the battery.  Nothing, but a pro wouldn’t put a bug where it would be obvious.  Nick took small screwdriver out of his computer bag and opened the back of the Nokia phone. “OK, there you are.” Nick whispered. A tiny chip wired right into the phone’s harness so it would run off the phone battery.  “Slick” muttered Nick, “Never go dead.” Nick left the bug in place and replaced the back.  He’d use the phone once more then discard it.  By now they’ve tapped into the account, names, phone numbers, emails, they had every piece of information it held. Nick dialed Boris’ office.  The secretary answered, “Agent Bovalcheck’s Office” “Hey Mary, it’s Nick” “Hi Nick what’s shakin’ bacon?” “You don’t want to know Mary, is Boris there?” “Yeah Nick, hold on please” Mary always had a crush on Nick even though she was old enough to be his mother and had been married to the same man for 45 years. “Nick, where the hell are you? I thought you’d be here by now.  I was starting to worry.” “Yeah I got held up. Hey let’s meet a Tonic  for lunch, I’m starving.” “No problem, you’re buying.” “Sure Boris, whatever you say.”

Nick hung up the phone and tucked it down into the crease between the top and bottom cushions of the seat, down into the candy wrappers and lint where nobody would find it for a long time. If they were using it to track him, they’d be chasing the taxi. Boris knew that Tonic was a diversion, it was a real restaurant in the West End near GW Law, but Nick and Boris weren’t going there, if someone was listening – and they were – they’d be waiting there as Nick passed. 

Nick knew they’d drive past Tonic on the way to the Roosevelt Bridge so he ducked low as they zipped along through traffic.  Sure enough another Town Car was waiting across the street, two dark figures visible behind the tinted glass. “Man they’re all over me.” Nick muttered.  Soon they were across the bridge and heading south.  Nick flashed his ID at one guard at the check point who went inside to make a phone call, another guard did a search under the hood, in the trunk, then underneath the cab with mirrors on long poles, a third guard led a bomb-sniffing dog around the vehicle. “Man…” thought Nick, “…things have sure changed since I got out.”  Nick left the service just prior to 9-11.

The taxi dropped him off and circled away and toward the exit.  Nick entered a second security checkpoint surrendered his weapon, and passed through a metal detector, and a guard with a wand. “Raise your arms please palms open and upward, turn your belt buckle inside out, remove your shoes.” “Hey Nick” It was Mary sent down to escort him in. “Hi Mary, how ya been?” “Could be worse, could be better.” “How’s Ben?” “Ben’s Ben, same old stuff, Redskins, Orioles, Blackhawks, and Budweiser.”  “Come on Boris is anxious to see you.” “Not as anxious as I am” They walked in silence to the elevator.  Mary knew better than to ask what was going on.  She wasn’t cleared for that level of security.  But Mary knew from years of experience that whatever was going on, it wasn’t good since Nick had been out of the game for over ten years.

Sexy Grant Writers Enhances Feng Shui

Grant writers know that proper environment for writing creates the right attitude.  That’s why our Sexy Grant Writers blog is so powerful at enhancing your Feng Shui (ness).  Read regularly and you can’t help but start re-aligning your office furniture, buying bamboo plants, and little sand boxes with rakes.   Here are the Ten Top reasons why you should make Sexy Grant Writers a regular part of harmonizing your grant writing atmosphere.Sexy Grant Writers enhances your Feng Shui - Picture of bamboo

10) It moves your Qi in a positive direction.

9) Your astrolabe points here.

8) It’s one of your wandering stars.

7) It keeps your Yin and Yang in balance.

6) It enhances your elements (especially FIRE).

5) I divines your Bagua.

4) It keeps you from going Red Phoenix.

3) It’s one of your Four Pillars of Destiny.

2) It keeps your bamboo limber.

1) It congeals your Qi.

Is virtue a thing remote? I wish to be virtuous, and lo! Virtue is at hand.  Confucius, The Confucian Analects

Nine Ways to Pamper Your Sexy Grant Writer

Pamper your sexy grant writer with a nice warm bath.You may think grant writers have it soft sitting in a nice chair all day writing.  It’s true we can have our coffee there and maybe a nice cookie while we work.  But just try writing for ten hours with only a few bathroom breaks.  Your shoulders cramp, your forearms cramp, your calves cramp, your eyes get tired, it’s a grind. While it’s true that we’re even sexier when tired, we do enjoy some refreshing pampering.

Here are nine ideas about how to pamper your sexy grant writer:

1)      Bring a vase of cut flowers to sit beside the computer to bring color and fragrance to the grant writing process.

2)      Buy some warming oil and give your sexy grant writer a shoulder massage. (close the office blinds first, that adds to the atmosphere and keeps you both out of jail.)

3)      Make a run to the local coffee shop for some spectacular coffee drinks then invite your sexy grant writer to sit on the porch.

4)      Buy a pedicure certificate and offer to read a grant draft while your sexy grant writer takes a break for an hour to go to the salon.

5)      Cook a pot of special soup or stew, buy some excellent bread and butter so your grant writer can take breaks and eat well without having to cook.

6)      Run a hot bath, dim the lighting, put on some Barry White, add some bath oils, light a candle, then get in and text your grant writer to join you (if you need more directions, don’t waste the hot water).

7)      Bring a tub of hot water into the office, remove your sexy grant writer’s shoes and socks and soak their weary feet while giving them a foot massage.

8)      Pack a suitcase for two and after your sexy grant writer submits their application, drive directly to a nice hotel on the coast for a couple of days.

9)      If you and your sexy grant writer have kids, do #1; #3; #5 and then take the kids out for the day. Do #2; and #7 when you get back, get a sitter before executing #8, and skip #6 unless you want more kids.

Sexy grant writers love to be pampered; it makes us all feel all squishy and wah-wah-licious inside.  We deserve a little pampering too because grant writing is hard work, even if we aren’t getting blisters.  Spend a little time pampering your grant writer and they may just pamper you back. 

Now that’s sexy!

Related Post:

Grant Writers are Sexy Beasts

Photo Credit: Roger Kirby

Nick Sorrento – The Grant Writer with the Winnie the Pooh Tattoo: Chapter 5

Nick kept running up the escalator until he reached the last person between him and the sunny exit above, a pretty young woman. Nick stopped beside her and smiled, she returned his smile batting her chestnut eyes playfully. They engaged in light conversation. Nick’s plan was to walk out of the Metro arm in arm looking for all the world like a couple. These men wouldn’t be looking for a couple. He stripped off his coat turning it inside out to black and draping it over his arm. He then drew his hair back in one motion and fastened it into a ponytail. As Nick and the woman reached the top of the escalator, Nick offered his arm to the woman with a casual comment about always tripping off these things as a kid. She giggled at the familiarity and took Nick’s arm.

Nick Sorrento Sexy grant Writer Chapter 5The plan working so far. She agreed he’d accompany to the building where her appointment would begin in ten minutes. As the couple emerged from the tunnel into the frosty morning air, he and the girl stepped quickly right up the sidewalk. Nick snuck a quick look left between the north and south Metro entrances where he expected the other man to be. Sure enough there he was standing beside a long, black town car trying to keep watch on both exits. His phone rang and he picked up. Nick turned and escorted his new friend up the street, keeping an ear behind for running steps following, they never came as the couple turned the corner ne looked back once and the two men were now huddled together at the exit he and the girl had just left.

A block later Nick left the girl at her building and he hailed a cab and jumped in happy to on his way to see Boris. “Pentagon” and the cab lurched forward. Nick had time to think now and he ran through the morning’s events. None of it made any sense. His phone rang, “Damn, Tony” Nick muttered to himself, he pushed the screen to pick up the call.”Nick here” “Nick, I’m waiting for you here, I thought you were coming in at 9” Nick knew he didn’t have any meetings this morning with Tony but it always took him off guard when Tony did this stuff. “Uh…I don’t remember a meeting…” “HA-HA-HA, got you again Sorrento, you’re an easy mark.” “Oh, yeah, that’s it Tony, you’re too quick for me, especially before I’ve had my coffee.” “Yeah-yeah it’s the coffee. So when am I going to getting the next grant draft?” “Well, something came up this morning. I’ll have it to you by 6 tonight.” “Hey, you were supposed to have it here by noon. I’m no night owl remember?” “Yeah I know, sorry Tony, can’t be helped.” “OK,OK, you all right Sorrento?” “Yeah Tony, I’ll explain later.” “All right Nick but no later than 6, I’ve got blank tapes waiting for you.” “Yeah, I bet you do” It occurred to Nick that only a couple of hours ago his biggest problem was Tony’s tapes. “All right Tony, catch you later.” The phone clicked off. Tony could see the Washington Bridge ahead, next stop Virginia and the Pentagon. Nick hoped Boris would have some answers.

Grant Writers are Humble About Our Celebrity

Grant Writers are people too, even if we’re exceptionally sexy ones.  We enjoy the simple things in life like everyone else.  Sexy Grant Writers silhouette in redWe like the early-bird breakfast for $2.95 and we’re annoyed when we see the bill and realize that coffee wasn’t included. We enjoy a sunny day as much as the next person even though we have little time to get out and enjoy the sunshine.  The point is that we’re regular people – exceptionally attractive, true enough.  We’re just normal folks, so there’s no need to treat us differently.  

Here are some examples of how you can suppress your natural desire to faun all over any grant writer you encounter:

  1. Flight attendants may smash our elbows with the beverage cart like you do to everyone else.
  2. Coffee house waitresses may splash coffee all over our reading materials.
  3. Maitre de House of Pancakes may seat us at the booth next to the hairy-shouldered, bare chested dude in overalls and his screaming, drippy-nosed kids.
  4. Grocery shoppers don’t need to take one side for us, just park that cart smack –kattywompus- dab in the middle and block the aisle.
  5. Car rental agents don’t need to fill the gas tank with gas for us before we pick up the car.  Truly, we’re perfectly OK with driving around strange cities looking for gas stations in the dark, our natural glow will light our way.
  6. Hotel desk attendants should not feel the need to hold a room with a view or near the elevators for us, we’re OK schlepping our bags half a mile across the parking lots at night to the room with a new zip code.  You know the one, it’s right under the room occupied by the visiting high school wrestling team next to one where a 21st birthday celebration is being held by a budding rapper.
  7. Post office workers don’t have to walk any faster for us, smile, act like they’re happy to see us, or offer us coffee and donuts on china with doilies.  Honestly, we can handle being treated like Siberian coal miners the same as everyone else in the Republic.

Grant Writers know we’re celebrities but we ask that our groupies and paparazzi play it cool and not clog the streets when we’re out (and will our stalkers please bring back our lawn gnomes?).

We don’t like to rub our grant writer status in anyone’s face.  We don’t need special treatment.  We like to blend in, fly under the radar, but we do look spectacular in flight.  So everyone please relax in our presence, as you were.

Related Posts:
The Joy of Grant Writing
Top Ten Reasons that Grant Writers are Sexy

Photo Credit: barunpatro

Nick Sorrento – Sexy Grant Writer: Chapter 4

Nick reached the bottom of the 3 story escalator and stepped smoothly off, bought a ticket, and passed through the hissing gate, strode quickly across the concourse and quickly down the stairs to the platform.  Red Line – Wheaton Train 3:00 Minutes – flashed the digital sign hanging over the leading area. He’d have to switch trains at Metro Center, catch the Blue Line to Franconia-Springfield.

Nick scanned the platform for danger – his old habits returning without effort, like muscle memory in a boxing match.  To his left and behind sat an old woman, green sweater, leaning heavily on a rolling  wire shopping basket. To his right a young couple flirting, college kids he calculated, both with ipod wires in their ears.

A middle-aged couple were descending the escalator trying to fold a tourist map and arguing about how to properly get it back into its original format.

No obvious threats, maybe the Russians had grabbed the wrong person and Nikita would be released by the time he got to Boris’ office.  Nick turned to look at the sign again, “Pentagon City Train – 2 minutes.”  Nick turned to scan the terminal again when he saw the black fedora starting to appear above the edge of the balcony of the concourse.  He instinctively backed up behind a thick column just behind him, circled behind it and peered out.  Trouble, the man was scanning the platform searching each person on it, looking for someone.Sexy Grant Writer Nick Sorrento hiding behind a column

Nick knew who the man was looking for, simple addition. 

Nikita wasn’t an accident, but she was just leverage, they wanted him. The man was satisfied that his target hadn’t arrived yet and he turned his back to the platform leaning against the railed of the balcony.  Nick slipped sideways to the next column and worked his way toward the far end of the platform nearest the back escalator that would take him up again and out of the Metro.  There was no way to get on a train with this guy watching, he’d have to grab a taxi.

A sudden whoosh of air and an electronic horn signaled the incoming train.  It slid to a smooth stop and the doors hissed open.  Nick was lucky, it was a crowded train, and a large crowd moved his way and he slid seamlessly into it as it passed his hiding place and Nick stepped onto the escalator.  Just before he rose up out of the platform, Nick stole a last look at the fedora and his eyes locked with the man.  He looked familiar and Nick thought he saw a quick flash of recognition in the man’s face. Suddenly the man was gone from view.  Nick turned and jogged up the left side of the escalator sure there would be another man above ground watching the entrances. Nick needed a plan, and he needed to think it up fast.

Previous Chapters:
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3 

The Grant Writer with the Winnie the Pooh Tattoo: Chapter 3

“Boris Bovalcheck please, Nick Sorrento here.” “Please hold” A pause while Nick glanced out the window at the street below. “Nick how are you? Nice surprise to hear from you old man.” came the gruff accented voice of fifty six year old, CIA veteran, Boris Bovalcheck. Boris had the gravel of forty-five years of smoking in his voice. Nick worked with Boris in the agency for 15 years, all of that in the Moscow bureau before Nick called it quits.

Nick Sorrento Grant WriterNick met Nikita through friends when he took the job writing grants for Tony at a quiet consulting firm outside DC. “Trouble Boris, I think Nikita’s been grabbed by the Russian mob in Moscow.” “What!? How did you find out?” Nick told Boris the story, “I was talking to her, she was in her room at the Pleshka. Someone came to the door, I heard a guy barking orders to open the door, sounded like they busted in through the chain. Nikita screamed, sounded like they grabbed her and left.” “Didn’t anyone at the hotel call the cops?” “I called the hotel immediately, but they’re on the take, the guy told me I had the wrong hotel, said she was never there.” “Holy crap Nick, let me make some calls. What was she doing in Moscow anyway? I thought you two were both retired, living quiet, boring lives at the end of the Red Line near Shady Cove.” “We were until about two minutes ago. She went to Russia for a trade show, she’s a rep for SafeCon.” “SafeCon’s on my watch list Nick.” “What?” “Yeah, ownership is into some shady schemes. Let me go and check with my contacts. You get down here and I’ll fill you in. Hopefully I’ll learn something by then…and Nick.” “Yeah?” “Don’t call anyone else.” “Whatever you say Boris. I’ll be in your office as fast as I can.” “Good, I’ll leave a pass for you at the security desk.”

In one continuous movement, as though he’d practiced it over and over, Nick opened the wall safe, removed his passport, cash, and Glock, threw on some clothes, turned on a concealed security camera system, grabbed his computer, set the alarm, and closed the door behind him. Out on the street it was a bright frosty November morning, manhole covers steamed, and traffic was brisk. Nick would call Tony from the train and let him know the grant draft wouldn’t be completed until late. He needed to buy time or there’d be hell to pay. Nick zig-zagged between stopped traffic to cross the street thinking about Nikita, then he slipped down the steep escalator into the underground Metro.

Chapter 4 tomorrow!

Previous Chapters:
Chapter 2
Chapter 1

Top Ten Reasons that Size Matters to a Sexy Grant Writer

Size matters to sexy grant writers - image of a tape measureDoes size matter?  It’s an age-old debate among grant writers.  Some will argue that smaller are harder because of the level of detail that’s necessary to compress; yet others will argue that larger is harder because there is a tendency to lose one’s way on long narratives.

While bigger may seem better, this is only true in the hands of a skillful grant writer. Bigger grants in the hands of the inexperienced can miss the mark entirely.

Veteran Sexy Grant Writers can attest to the fact that size matters in many aspects of grant writing and here are ten reasons why:

10) Bigger will stretch your margins (spacing).
9) Most require a substantial size 12 [font].
8) Length is rigid (narrative).
7) Most have ample appendices behind.
6) Large visual images (fantasy) can crowd out narrative (reality).
5) Too much won’t fit (pages).
4) Staples may be too short (binding).
3) Big foot(notes) infer deeper substance (not always an accurate assumption).
2) Long ones are hard to duplicate (photocopy).
1) The biggest ones can be awfully difficult to firm up (edit).

In the end, it is masterful manipulation that matters regardless of size. Concentration and attention to the satisfaction of the receiver of the grant brings the ultimate reward. Bad applications of any size are disappointing and anti-climactic.

Sexy Grant Writers know that size matters, but bigger is not always better.

Related Posts:

Top Ten Reasons Grant Writers are Sexy
Grant Writers are Sexy Beasts: Why Can’t Everyone See It?

Photo Credit: Michal Ufniak

The Grant Writer with the Winnie the Pooh Tattoo: Chapter 2

The sound of a cell phone in the bedroom draws Nick out of his morning stupor just as he finishes shaving. He picks up the Android and scans the ID. <<Nikita>> is flashing on the screen, Nick answers.
“Hey Babe”
“I miss you”
“Yeah, I miss you too, how’s Moscow?”
“Freezing, gray, and people drive on the sidewalks.”
“Nothing’s changed then?”
“Not a thing. How’s the grant coming?”
“Slow, Tony’s being Tony”
“Oh, more tapes huh? Sorry to hear that. When is it due?”
“Yeah, more tapes.  Next Monday, lots of time.”

Sound of loud knocking on the door in the background
“Hey Babe, wait a minute, there’s someone at the door.”
“All right.”


Nick waits listening as Nikita answers the door. A male voice, speaking harshly in Russian, starts barking orders. Suddenly Nikita screams, there’s a loud bang like a door flung open against a wall, sounds of a struggle, grunts, a muffled cry, then the sounds fade as if it’s moving away.

“NIKITA!”

Nick yells into the phone. Silence. “Nikita pick up the phone!” Nothing.
Nick grabs the land line and dials the number for the hotel in Moscow where Nikita has been since she arrived for a security trade show. “Hotel Pleshka, may I help you?” “Yes, ring room 4213, Nikita Brittenham.” “One minute please” Silence. “Sir?” Nick is pacing the bedroom now. “Yeah, did she answer?” “I’m sorry Sir but the woman you asked for is not registered in this hotel.” “What?” “Are you sure you have the right hotel? Perhaps she is in a different one, there are many in Moscow” “Yeah, I’m sure, I was just talking to her and someone came to the door and there were screams, now she doesn’t answer the phone. She’s been there for a week and I’ve talked to her every night.” “I’m sorry Sir but she’s not a guest here.” Nick hangs up and returns to the cell to listen but there’s no sound and Nikita does not answer as he yells into the phone to pick up.

Nick’s brain switches into overdrive, he hangs up and immediately dials the Pentagon, he’s got one last contact there, Boris Bavolchek, and he needs his help fast.

Related Posts:

Chapter One

Top Ten Reasons Grant Writers Are Sexy

sexy grant writersI tried to think like David Letterman (not Charlie Sheen) when I wrote these ten reasons grant writers are sexy but it was hard to do.  I think it’s because I’m a grant writer and it doesn’t come naturally to grant writers to parade our sexiness around like a peacock. I decided to write this dithering intro to loosen me up enough to write on the topic of “sexy” so here I go!

10. We’re humble about being sexy (except on this blog)

9. Our line spacing is never chemically-induced

 8. We know what abstract means

7.  We are never in passive tense

6.  We have huge staplers

5.  We can tickle your attachments

4.  We always finish last (page)

3. We know where your appendix is

2. We put the kinky in Kinkos

1. We can bring home the bacon, cook it, and make you a BLT

(Bonus reason – We have nimble fingers from writing so much)

Get the resources that will make you sexy!

Federal Grant Resources eBook
101 Tips for Aspiring Grant Writers


Related Posts:

The Joy of Grant Writing

End on the Last Page

The Joy of Grant Writing!

• Key scientific discoveries in the grant writing fields of grant psychology, grant writer physiology, and grant writer sexynessGrant writer research

Swiss researchers working at a University in Bern have announced new discoveries about grant writers. Sequestered in the Alps for the past 12 months with 24 grant writers, these intrepid scientists have been studying grant writer behavior and their report on what makes a grant writer tick is nothing short of stunning.

Dr. Vianna de Walbroia of Geneva studied the psychology of the grant writers by putting them through extensive daily testing. In this statement she summarizes her findings, “D’ere is a common psychosis among da group involving commas and 12 point fonts. Eeeet seems to be related to der over-deweloped sense of cramming far too much content into limited page restrictions. In vun experiment I offered to allow dem to write whatever de wanted and use as much paper as dey wanted, to a person, da group was so nervous dat they refused to begin writing until an approved RFP was issued for dee assignment. Dey just sat dere looking at me…it was unnerving to say da least. In da end, dey never wrote nothing so I jus put da paper away and led dem on a hike in da Alps wit a rousing Sound of Music Sing-a-long.”

Dr. Perreta de Chesaux studied the physiology of the group using a standard battery of medical and physical tests. He reports extraordinary abilities among the group in his report summarized here, “I can’t prove it genetically yet but I tink dat grant writers might be genetic mutations created by angry retired school teachers so dat grant writers reproduce school children who can sit still for more dan eight hours at a time and never say a ting. Dey also have dis peculiar increase in heart rate and blood pressure when dars any mention of jelly donuts or when ders any mention in the news of increased government entitlement spending diverted from de grant programs. I’m hoping dat one of dem will write me a grant to continue my research.”

Dr. Ruth de Chaseles was commissioned to study the attractiveness of grant writers which she passionately pursued using both hard and soft data. The doctor gives a brief overview of her results, “I measured da sexyness of dese grant writers wit da local population as a control group. My team measured da level of pheromones, physical traits such as facial construction and body type, and various personality tests too. Our comparisons between da groups did not show any remarkable differences in anyting vee could measure. But da subjective testing showed dat dere is a substantial difference in sexual attraction whenever a subject was exposed to one of da grant writers. It’s inexplicable to me, in my forty years of work I never saw nothing like dis since da beeeetles. Vee had to hire a security firm from Austria –cause vee don take sides – to keep da grant writers magnetism from corrupting da control group wit da hanky panky. And yes is true dat I’m getting married next week to one of da ones who writes da federal grant applications, hees idiomatic structures is magnificent.”

The team asserts that the study results will be useful in regulating grant writer behavior, improving grant writing training, and alerting the general population to the previously unknown animal magnetism of grant writers. The team even proposed a new genus to the scientific community named “homo grantwritericus.” Wikipedia has already adopted the new term and an authoritative definition by the team has been posted.

Related Posts:

Grant Writers are Sexy Beasts…

Photo Credit - Mattox

Grant Writing is like Having a Baby?

A confused man.The best thing about being a grant writer is getting the news that one of your proposals is funded. That’s a good moment. The second best moment is being paid for writing the grant. The rest of the job is just plain old-fashioned hard work.

Grant writing is hard to do well. It is a ton of writing, and rewriting, and editing, and formatting, and so on. It’s often a tedious process. It can also be frustrating when a narrative isn’t coming together the way you want it to. That raises the stress in a stressful process.

The final hours before a grant is due can be crazy too! Things around our office get tense on submission day. Everyone is very focused on those days and there’s always that atmosphere of grinding out the last details. Anyone who has ever written anything of importance knows that a narrative is never truly finished. Oh, it may be grammatically correct, the format may be just-so, and the language may be crisp; but, there’s always something that could be improved a little here and there. Those are the details that a professional writer cares about working with up until the very last moment.

So nearly every proposal is like having a baby. It’s a lot of hours of labor punctuated at the very end by a lot of hard pushing, sweating, and grunting. There are no epidurals and there are no C-sections for a grant, only the old fashioned way, there’s even Lamaze breathing over the copy machine.

OK, so maybe that’s a little too graphic to be sexy but giving birth to a grant is a lot of hard work. The big difference is that as the writer, there’s no more work after the grant is born. After the grant is delivered, your work is done and if it’s done well enough your baby will produce good things in the world for your client. But you never have to change a diaper.

Maybe I drifted way off topic here. Let’s try to tie this all together shall we? One of the best days of a person’s life is when their child is born. One of the best days of a grant writer’s job is when a grant gets funded. What leads up to each of those events is by turns pleasurable ( Person = ahem-ahem, and Grant Writer – getting paid) and lots of work ( Person – going through 9 months of pregnancy and labor, Grant Writer –writing the grant), but in the end something unique and wonderful is produced ( person – baby, and Grant Writer – successful proposal).

Wringing the life out of a metaphor – now that’s sexy.

Grant Writing Fitness

Legs of a man walking.Grant writing is a mentally strenuous activity. The problem is that it’s also a physically sedentary activity. Except for the typing involved, trips to the coffee pot, trips to the pot, and feeding the animals (2 and 4-legged), there’s just not a lot of movement involved.

Here are some suggestions for staying healthier as a grant writer:

1) Schedule an hour a day to get out and exercise. It can be walking (my preference) or whatever you want. I heard a doctor on TV (may have been Dr. Oz, but not sure) one time tell a patient, “You have a choice. You can exercise for an hour a day, or you can be dead for 24 hours a day.” That seemed like an easy choice to me and I’ve been doing an hour almost every day ever since.
2) Don’t buy junk food for your grant writing snacks. Instead of cookies and junk food, buy nuts, healthy crackers, fruit. When I wanted to lose weight, I began to count calories and the amount of calories in small and savory snacks scared me! I was amazed and appalled at how many calories I had been consuming!
3) Buy a calorie book and a little notepad and count your calories for a month. Don’t alter your eating habits unless you want to but keep careful count to see how much you’re eating. You’ll probably be astounded at how many calories you’re eating.
4) Talk on the phone standing up. With cordless phones today you can get up, move around, or walk outside. You’re probably not working on the computer when you’re on the phone so get up and move.  You’re on the phone anyway, so why not multi-task and burn off a few calories at the same time?
5) Move to a new location when you’re reading drafts and revising by hand. It’s good to change position and location. I find I am less tired when I get up and change locations now and then.

Those are a few of the ways that I stay trimmer, healthier, and less fatigued when I am grant writing. Of course I still get the forearm cramps from typing for eight hours but that’s just part of the gig.
A healthy grant writer is sexy!

Pulling an All-Nighter

It’s 1 AM and I’m halfway through my second draft. I drank two pots of coffee since 10 PM, scarfed down some junk food, and now I walk out to the porch and cold air just trying to keep my eyes open. My five o’clock shadow is rapidly turning into a 2 AM shadow and it’s so rough that it’s starting to pull out fibers on my collar.A grant writer asleep on a bench.

The neighborhood is peaceful. An owl hoots from a tree and an airplane blinks past overhead with a distant drone but there’s no traffic on the street. The porch light draws some moths the flutter about and my breath is visible in the early morning air.

I have a lot of editing to do on this narrative before I can move on to the budget, budget narrative, forms, and final formatting, all waiting to be finished before the 5 PM deadline I’m facing. I remember a time when I could give some of this work to someone else so I didn’t have to shoulder the whole load myself.  But these days I work alone out of my house.

Once I had a fantasy of the romantic life of a writer. But shivering here in my shorts and T-shirt, flip-flops on my feet, in the wee hours of the night, the reality of working alone for yourself is not nearly as glamorous as I had once imagined.

Fully awake I turn my back on the peaceful neighbors slumbering and head back to my office.  The house is in need of cleaning, it’s cluttered with discarded drafts and post-its lay crumpled around the waste basket.

Now that’s sexy.